If they'd had a special magaziney thing in his day, I expect Leonardo DaVinci would happily have answered questions similar to the following, because what do you ask a great artist? See what I asked MATT HALES, and if you don't like it you can tear out these pages and send in questions you do want to ask. It's not my job to please everyone. All right?

Note: Some of the original language used m this interview, and indeed on any occasion when RUTH are called upon to speak candidly was thought to be offensive to the innocent Children of ALAN. Because of this I have altered a few key words. Should you be in any way offended by expressions such as 'blummin', 'flaming' and 'heck', you can fuck off.

Hello. How are you?
A little frayed.

Don't be 'fraid
Just had a phone marathon. Hot ear.

What do you like about playing the piano and the electronic synthesisers?
I think that the piano is one of the most versatile instruments there is. It can sound beautiful and serene and it can sound ultra rock'n'roll and it can sound shit. Synthesisers can make sounds that have never been heard before which is quite exciting, but I mostly like them cos they can be so many different instruments and they have joy-sticks and terrific jargon such as 'aftertouch' and 'midithruport' (where the little midithruplanes come in to land). In the end, I love the keyboard because that's the instrument through which I make my music and that's what I like doing most in the world.

For how long have you wanted to be a pop star?
I've wanted to be a songwriter since I was a little, but I never really thought of stardom until about 4 years ago when it suddenly struck me that it might be possible. I'm a realist, you see. I can't see the point in wanting to be a pop star and then not actually being one.

How long is a piece of string?
So it begins.....................

Why did you give up playing the Trombone?
Officially, because it was stolen away by thieves. Actually I had pretty much given it up anyway because I wasn't very good and public performance invariably led to private humiliation.

How do you write songs?
Well I do it all the time. I suspect some portion of my brain is totally dedicated to writing music, going constantly. Whenever I get the chance I let some of the ideas out and then tinker with them. A good idea will excite and intrigue me and once that's happened I feel compelled to turn it into a song. My challenge to myself is to put at least one interesting idea into each song, and to have at least one bit that makes me go "Yesssss!!!!!!!" and rush around like a bastard.

Why do you write songs?
It's natural to me, like poo-ing. If I don t do it regularly, I feel ill and my belly puffs out.

When did you realise you were a songwriter?
I started writing music when I was little babba, but first put words and music together when I was about 9. Having written a song, I realised I was a songwriter.

When did you realise you were gay?
I haven't realised yet.

Have you ever changed your tune?
All the time.

How would you characterise your relationship with your brother a) fraternally b) creatively?
Both (a) and (b).

How would you describe RUTH to ALAN in a questionnaire?
Just some band playing the best songs written this decade.

What makes you so blimming sure that people want to hear RUTH music and give you money for it?
I don't know exactly - I just AM chunking sure. Everyone who has a band thinks that they have something special but as I said, I'm a realist. I know we have something special.

Good RUTH memory
Playing at a club in North London last summer to about 6 people and knowing we were shit hot and having a tremendous time and being begged to do an encore by some guy who'd never seen us before that night.

Second most irritating and sad RUTH memory?
It's probably the evening we carried our gear across London to a shitty little rehearsal studio arriving exhausted and hecked off and then the PA sounded awful and then we couldn't remember how to play and then, after it was finally over having to crawl back to Islington with all the flaming gear and then being too late for the trains and not being able to think what the goodness to do. It cost loads of money too.

Favourite RUTH song?
At the moment, I think it's 'Waiting for this' which is just a really strong tune.

A few favourite songs of all time
'Don't talk (put your head on my shoulder)' by The Beach Boys, 'Does Everyone Stare' by The Police, 'The Millionaire Waltz' by Queen, 'There is a light that never goes out' by The Smiths, 'You really got a hold on me' by Smokey Robinson, 'Still crazy after all these years' by Paul Simon, 'Across the Universe' by John Lennon, 'Mama mia' by ABBA.

What's your favourite film?
Star Wars

What's your favourite animal?
Gorillas.

What's your favourite colour?
Really dark green.

What's your favourite number?
17

I'VE NEVER SEEN A REALLY DARK GREEN GORILLA WITH 17 LEGS!!!!!!! HA HA HA! YOU DIDN'T EVEN SUSPECT!!!!! TWAT!!!!!!!

How do you feel about young ladies and gentlemen reacting in a disturbing sexual manner towards you?
Relieved.

Do you ever wish?
Sometimes. Mostly in retrospect.

Ooo. What makes you laugh?
Stupid stuff that's also really clever.

What question have you always wanted to have to answer in an interview?
How does it feel to be one of the most successful and critically acclaimed songwriters of your generation?

Anything you'd like to add before I thank you for your time?
Just to thank you for your time.

Isn't there something you'd like to say to the children?
Do any of you own a little soft little Womble toy?

Thankyou for your time.