Welcome to ALAN 5.

Also, welcome to 1996 where everything becomes suddenly futuristic and there is no fruit any more.

Hello everybody, I hope you had a tolerable Christmas and for everyone who sat in on New Year's Eve wondering why their so-called friends hadn't invited you to that party they all went to with that new guy they've suddenly all become so enamoured of which you found out about inadvertently because Simon couldn't keep his big mouth shut and it's getting later and later and haven't you noticed how everyone's started avoiding you lately and maybe you should think about changing your image or something... don't worry, paranoia and wave upon wave of remorse and self pity are an essential part of every new year.

As it happens, I had a lovely new year actually. I didn't cry once.

Anyway, RUTH - that's what we're all here for (they're fine, by the way).

For many of you, this will be your first instalment of ALAN because you only found out about RUTH during her super-cool university tour which happened just after the last ALAN (4.5 - a shoddy affair, I do apologise). If this is so, a particular welcome to you - I'm glad you enjoyed the gig, I hope you enjoy this (which is, after all, like a gig but written down).

Others among you (and you are the sweetest) BOUGHT OUR RECORD IN A SHOP all of your own accord without us knowing or anything, and then wrote in shyly, wondering if there was more to know. You were all so cute! Ahhh.

So hello to you - this is what you get for writing, and a lot more besides.

And to the rest of you who are the most lovely, hello, how are you? Did you see us on telly? Did you buy the single? Did you pass your driving test?

Things have really been hotting up for the RUTH boys lately. So much so that it's going to be difficult to remember everything that happened, but we'll try and give you a flavour.

See you soon.