Hello there. Did you know the very first ALAN was born in August 1993? And here I am, three years later, putting the beginning touches to ALAN number 6. And in that time we watched RUTH grow from that sackless, dribbling one-year-old who still thought singing a song called "I'm All Right" was a good idea, into the hulking four-year-old brick-built shitbrute who can't say no to anything, poised to vomit up her third single we can all now enjoy. As she parades around the beach in only her pants.

As usual, this page is for saying all the hellos, and I've decided to celebrate ALAN's 6th by saying hello to you in year groups.

Firstly, the THIRD YEARS:
Welcome back. children. It's been nice sending stuff to you Remember ALAN 2? Great stuff! Remember ordering your fresh new copy of Birdworld? I hope you're all still there and can remember why you liked RUTH in the first place I hope you didn't move to Scarborough two years ago and now your useless RUTH mail is being received by the humourless Kennedys who bought your house. Don't forget that at the end of this year you have to choose your options which will determine which exams you re going to take. Choose wisely, and remember that creative subjects such as Art, Music. Drama, PE, RE. HE, Biology, English, Maths and Esperanto will be of no use to you whatsoever in the Job Market.

Secondly the SECOND YEARS:
It's all so easy for you, isn't if, you loveable little tykes! No responsibilities, no homework, no doomful warnings about neglecting your work. You're cocky, happy, lazy. You know your way around, you know a little. You think you know a lot, but you don't, not really RUTH is not an easy subject to follow, and if you're not careful you're going to fall flat on your face and then you'll be sorry you mark my words and I'll mark your work then you do your corrections in the margin.

And finally, the FIRST YEARS:
Don't be frightened, timid ones, by the bigger children bounding through the corridors without a care. You are safe here There may be things you see that you don't understand (or cannot comprehend). You may find yourself in a comer of the playground wondering whether this is really what you want to be doing. But do not be frightened ALAN is looked over by a benevolent creator who means no harm; he just sometimes gets rather carried away with the beauty of language and doesn't use enough fullstops. Everybody here loves RUTH like you do, and if you get lost. just ask someone for directions.

ALAN 6 is all about What Happened To Fear of Flying, What RUTH Did Next and When is The Next Single Out? And speaking of which, I will warn/apologise that all the dates in this issue are as correct as I can possibly be sure of up to going to press time, but this does not necessarily guarantee that they will still be correct by the time you read them. You may find this frustrating, but rest assured it pisses us off even more mightily You wouldn't believe how many things are rescheduled at the last minute, particularly release dates. Sorry about that.

Also, you may have been one of the many lucky ALANs who receive their ALAN mail in recycled (and in some cases wholly regenerated) envelopes. You must appreciate that this doesn't mean you are less valued or anything, it's just that I've developed a rather obsessive need to reuse everything (I've also developed a rather obsessive need to refuse everything. Can you help?)

I've got to shut up now because everything I say is taking such a long time to come out and some of these sentences take two weeks to read so enjoy ALAN 6 and go and buy our new record. Bye.