Hello and welcome to Reader's Wives, which has rather increased in stature due to the excessive amount of mail we've been receiving. Thankyou to everyone who's written in the last few months, and for all of you who have sceptically gone "I bet you don't even read these letters". HA! You're wrong, we do read every one and often come out in hat flushes as a result. So here's a selection of Things From The Mailbag which we feel need to be shared with the rest of the class.

First there war rabid reaction to Fear of flying. Gavin from East Grinstead was moved to write "l think you're the best band since The Beatles and Fear of flying was the best song I've heard for a long time." which made us happy and a little bit frightened.

Jane of Doncaster (who started her letter with "I'm insane" which isn't all that encouraging) showed the many uses RUTH music can be put to: "I hope you're recording an album so I can buy it and annoy my parents. If not I'll just stick to the single which works just as well". It's a shame, because we try to make music that will appeal to parents first and youngsters second.

Will from Cold-Ashby had a pertinent question to ask: "at the end of Fear of flying, is there I phone ringing? I am sure I can hear it so please tell me there is, otherwise I've gone insane due to too frequent listening to RUTH music" *.

There is no phone ringing at the end of Fear of flying, but you have clearly been listening carefully. You must be thinking of the quiet but piercing high frequency wobbly thing that happens most obviously at 2'33" panned mid-left and continues throughout the reprise choruses which is in fact a track of guitar feeding back vaguely in the key of A major through an amp with big tremolo on it. It's my VOX AC30 (1988 but all valve, and considerably cheaper than the recent reissues). I was probably using my Fender Stratocaster with the back (bridge) pickup selected for extra gain. I have very much enjoyed explaining this to you and I hope this information eases your mind.

Richard from a band railed Midget wrote to say "I reckon your overall round is great and pisses all over the half-baked Britpop crap" which is exactly the kind of thing we musicians like to say to each other, and I'm sure Richard appreciates the above response to Will from Cold Ashby more than most. His band knows our soundman Tony and included a startlingly accurate drawing of him. He was pleased.

Our existence has at least given pleasure to someone, that someone being Ruth from Coventry: "At last! my name has gained the credibility it truly deserves."

She wasn't the only Ruth to write. Ruth from Birmingham wrote to say "Thanks for getting me through my GCSE revision" plenty of people wrote saying they were doing various exams - I hope they all went well. I haven't done an exam for years! Wahey!!

Our existence has naturally caused some people to become confused and upset, notably Katy from Milton Keynes who bought Fear of flying: "On inspecting the photograph, I counted four strange blokes. Yet on inspecting the credits, I saw the names "Hales/Hales" and " Hales/Hales/Simmonds" mentioned. Now, given my mathematical mind, I can only conclude that there are two Hales's and one Simmonds, or one Hales who wants a lot of attention, and the afore-mentioned Simmonds. Either way it only adds up to two or three and not the four I counted. "ls one of them exceptionally unmusical?" I thought. And than another thought hit me: maybe one of the Hales's mentioned in the "Hales/Hales " is not mentioned in the "Hales/Hales/Simmonds", ie " Hales(1)/Hales(2)'' and "Hales(1)/Hales(3)/ Simmonds". Or it could be that someone else wrote the songs for the group."

Katy also rent us four tiny playing cards which we took to mean that we were ace, and then wrote again with a rather petulant note which contrived to complain that we hadn't responded even to the aces without coming out and saying it which, Katy, would have been the more courageous course of action. So I'm not going to enlighten you about the writer.except to ray that NONE Of US are called Simmonds.

Nadia from Galston in Ayrshire wrote to say "if you ever pass through Galston on your travels, come and visit me. My house it the one opposite the police station. It's painted white. We've got Tetley teabags and Kenco coffee and some Horlicks too, at the moment." I thought you should all be party to this invitation. I was thinking of going down next weekend. Coming?

Jody from Belfast wrote with "distressing news! At last sighting Fear of flying cassette was selling for a mere 20p in Our Price" Thanks a lot, Jody.

We obviously made a good impression on the Mizz Roadshow. Claire from Hebburn said "Words cannot describe how good your music is" and both she and her sister Carolyn said they were our Number 1 fan. You can't BOTH be our Number 1 fan. And that goes for the rest of you. If you with to elect a Number 1 fan democratically then we'll be happy to ratify their appointment. It is unfair to confer Number 1 fan status upon yourself without consultation with the rest of ALAN. It amounts to a coup d'etat. We have no wish to cause a civil war. We're just a band.

Emma from Clwyd wrote to tell of a magical mystery. She was just enjoying our performance when suddenly ". ..the strangest thing happened, when Matt was laughing, his voice was still being heard by many." How strange. You might almost be convinced he was MIMING if you didn't know us better.

There were many letters relating to our plea for chocolate. The best one was from Sarah and Carina from Whitley Bay and Cramlington which went: "We have enclosed some chocolate" which was excellent.

Julie-Anne from Newton Abbot did her best: "You said you'd like to get sent a big bar of chocolate, but I'm afraid I can't afford one so I've rent you a blackcurrant chewit to share between you instead" which was something.

Louise from Motherwell had this to say: "I'm sorry I've not got any chocolate to send" Which was very bad indeed. We suggest that ii you want to get on the right ride of us, you should follow Sarah and Carina's example and not Louise's.

This is Sally. Not only did she draw herself (many times, to give us a graphic insight into her daily life as an idle art student in Grimsby) she drew us as she imagined we'd be when we received her beautiful letter.

She was close. Except we don't spend all our time with our arms round each other and I don't always wear a dress. Also some of us have noses. But thanks anyway.

There was much controversy over our fabulous competition from ALAN 5. The question you had to answer in order to win a HUGE RUTH poster and a copy of the videos of I don't know and Fear of flying was:

What is the name of the stupid blue elephant thing that plays dodgy space jazz with his band in Jabba the Hutt's seedy underground lair in "Return of the Jedi"?

It also said "Correct answers (if there are any) will be put into a bucket and picked out by Stephen's arsecheeks"

David from Worcester made this brave attempt: "Dumbo - well if you painted Dumbo blue and plonked him in the seedy lair than I think you could have your man." Sarah from Somerset was rather desperate "The blue elephant HIS NOT GOT A NAME. I have studied the film and there is no answer, no one talks to him, he just dances really craply. It doer say "Correct answers (if there is any)". I hope it is a trick question because I really want to win the champion prizes. PLEASE LET ME WIN. I'M DESPERATE TO WIN THE PRIZES. THERE ISN'T AN ANSWER"

Well, nice try Sarah, but it actually says "Correct answers (if there ARE any)". There is a correct answer for he does have a name. So it was down to Mr. Laurie Collins from Melton Mowbray to give us the correct answer in the following manner:

Dawn from Elgin sent us the following ideas for new exclusive RUTH merchandise. Unfortunately none of these items are available at the moment, although we are considering making some RUTH pants.

"Pluck me, oh mighty Stephen's arsecheeks for I know the ALAN answer to the ALAN competition question from ALAN no 5 the ALAN magazine for members of the ALAN club called ALAN and it is MAX REBO for that is the name of the blue elephanty thing playing dodgy space jazz in Jabba's palace which art contained within the film of Return of the Jedi, which is a film."

There were many correct answers and quite a few incorrect ones, for which five lucky sub-winners won the HUGE superhero poster. But Laurie alone wins the videos. We salute him. I did ask if he'd write us an acceptance speech, but he hasn't so far, which makes me a bit worried that he didn't get his prize. SO Laurie if you're reading this and you didn't get your great prize a few months ago do write and tell us.

Finally, Beth from Camberley asks "Could you tell me when each of your birthdays are?" Which of course we can, since it increases the chances of getting a pressie. Matt's is the 17th January. Ben's is 11th February. Matt VB's 9th September and Stephen's is 11th November.

Oh, but before I go I must mention Kathryn and Claire from Cambridge and their marvellous fanzine Kneehigh which one day may feature our good selves. especially as more and more threatening letters arrive. I could mention any of the fanzines we have already been in, but Kneehigh is special cos they've been wanting to interview or for two years.

Perhaps it'll happen soon, girls.

Dear Hellen from Cleveland.

What is this?
love RUTH.

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