ALAN 7

Congratulations on receiving your new copy of Best Ever! ALAN 7. It will provide you with a lifetime of trouble-free enjoyment if you follow these simple instructions:

  • Do not put your copy of Best Ever! ALAN 7 near to a naked flame.
  • Do not immerse your copy of Best Ever! ALAN 7 in water.
  • If you should accidentally swallow your copy of Best Ever! ALAN 7, immediately drink three pints of warm, salty milk and chunder it back up. If symptoms persist after three days, consult your GP.
  • Best Ever! ALAN 7 is not intended for use as a life preserver.

Best Ever! ALAN 7 covers the period from September 1996 to March 1997 and includes PRACTICALLY NONE of the items promised in ALAN 6. However, it is full of STUFF about OUR NEW SINGLE which looks poised to thrust RUTH into the world of fame.

We'd like to take this opportunity, before we rush headlong into the mess which is Best Ever! ALAN 7 to say "Thankyou" to all Children of ALAN old and new for buying our records and liking our music, and also putting up with the wretched recycled packets we keep sending you and the enormous gaps there are between ALANs.

Help ALAN to serve YOU better:
Those of you who have the fortune to live near places that RUTH have been to play will already have received the fabulous cards we send out to inform relevant ALANsters of nearby gigs. Our policy has so far been to send cards to those who live in the nearest counties. If you want to be informed of gigs in other parts of the country, write and tell us of places YOU would consider coming to see us at and YOU will be informed. Sometimes before the gigs take place.

Many ALANs are students. That's OK- I'm delighted to say that as we approach the end of the 20th century more and more people are taking more enlightened attitudes towards your condition. However you are wont to move about a lot; often entire degrees can be taken between issues of ALAN and I fear we might lose a lot of you. If you want ALAN to follow you around you should keep us informed. Think of us as distant members of your family. If you know any lapsed ALANs who are eager to rejoin the flock, tell them there is no shame in writing.

If you hate RUTH and despise ALAN, stick this back in the postbox and we'll
NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN.

As you will have seen, enclosed with your Best Ever! ALAN 7 are several Join ALAN cards. These are for you to offer to everyone you know. If you don't mind spreading the ALAN word we would appreciate it A GREAT DEAL (if you could avoid filling each one with your own details and joining six or seven times we would appreciate that A GREAT DEAL too).

OK that's nearly all, except to say that all the information contained herein is as CORRECT AS POSSIBLE at the time it goes in the postbox. It is very possible that by the time it comes through your door it is NOT CORRECT AT ALL, so LOOK OUT.

Well, we love you all very much, apart from Gavin Harper. Enjoy Best Ever! ALAN 7.

Back to ALAN 7