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by Someone Who Was Actually There Hello. I am Matt. I am in a stupid band called RUTH who do stuff that is stupid and no-one else would ever do. If someone suggests we do something and then adds "but it's a bit stupid and no-one else would ever do it" you can bet yo precious li'l ass we'll be doing it. Some of the things we have done have been not just stupid but also excruciatingly embarrassing and utterly pointless. (Tip: Do not ever play at Thorpe Park in the shopping mall to twenty-five two year old children who are only there because they want to see the "Thorpe Park Rangers" do their dancing. While I'm on the subject, don't go to Thorpe Park at all. Ever.) And, thank the Lord, some of the things we do are not just stupid but also excellent and highly successful and cool and make being in a band seem like a good thing. One of these was appearing at the Capital Radio SLAMMAS Awards Ceremony at the Royal bloody Albert Hall in London's Albert Hall (in London) with Boyzone and Eternal and Peter "fucking" Andre. And No Way Sis. Would you like to hear about it? Righto. NB: In the esteemed tradition of Samuel Beckett and Spike Milligan I intend to write the following piece in French then personally translate it back into limericks in English.You know the sort of thing. Et voila: A ridiculous pop band called RUTH Once drove from their re-cording booth Westside Studio where we were recording Everything Changed To a Capital star-fest Celebrity harvest At that place with the circular roof The Albert Hall with it's famous if acoustically compromising dome They park their remarkable van With the help of an elderly man Our silver-haired MD Brian who looks nothing like John Craven After waiting for Curly Matt VB of course They run through the girlies As fast as they possibly can Then rushed to our changing rooms Full of nonsense and pre-gig fumes We unpacked our lutes OK, our guitars Got into our suits And flew to the bar in balloons Yes. This actually happened. Extraordinary After having a drink with the stars After having a drink with Ronan from Boyzone standing behind us We went back and got our guitars After what seemed an age We ran onto the stage We were kept waiting in the wings for about ten minutes to get properly nervous And struck up the opening bars And the crowd went bezerk as they do If you chuck them a T-shirt or two We played them our song It was three minutes long And then that was it, we were through Nothing to say about that one really There was nowhere to stay so instead We packed up and went home to bed A man dressed in rouge Capital FM's lovely Neil Long Says we're going to be huge But I won't let it go to my head Merci beaucoup. Au revoir. Ta. The Sad Story of Valentine's Day Back to ALAN 7 |