Dear Keri

Thankyou for your e-mail. As you may have gathered The Archers are extremely close to my heart and so it is with GREAT DELIGHT that I enclose a copy of I don't know for you to use on the programme.

I trust it will appear in a scene in which we hear John, Hayley, Roy and Kate clustered round the jukebox, making their selection and remarking on the presence of a record from a hip new band who've named themselves after a character on "a long-running soap", whereupon we hear the sound of falling coins and three uninterrupted minutes of the single as an awed hush falls over The Cat. The silence is broken by John hoarsely swearing to obtain of copy to play at his hitherto neglected disco, followed by the entrance of Eddie, William and Edward (played for this one-off special by Sean Connery in a squeaky voice). Eddie (Ambridge's most convincing musicologist) is unable to express his admiration for such a fine piece of work, and as Edward orders his father a frothing pint of Shires Shaun reveals that he (much to Sid's chagrin) is going to put on live music, and the first booking is none other than top Borsetshire band, RUTH.

Naturally the gig is broadcast in an extended episode attended by all of the characters under 35 (and Caroline), where the increasingly sour Ruth's heart is melted by the dashing guitarist of the band (played by me), and leaves David to be a roadie and Phil complains that he wasn't consulted.

If you'd be interested in syndicating a spin-off show called Ruth'n'RUTH please contact my agent.

If you do use the song, could you write or e-mail us to let us know when. I shall be listening anyway, but that's one episode that really needs to be recorded.

Thankyou for making one musician's dream come true.

Yours

Ben Hales

P.S. New Bert New Danger